An Adventure Into The Darkness

Have you ever felt isolated as you uncover parts of yourself that were once repressed and banished to the dungeons of your subconscious mind? The result is a feeling of helplessness and isolation as you realize that those you consider your closest friends may not truly understand or accept you for who you are.

The good news is that you’re not alone. I know that saying something like that is cliche and not very validating in one’s personal experiences, but in this particular context, what I am about to share may shed some light on the situation. Just like you might be wrestling with feelings of isolation or confusion as you uncover hidden aspects of yourself, I too have been in that place of darkness where the world around me felt unfamiliar and unsupportive.

In my experience, many people pursue goals and dreams that will provide fulfillment but often find that isn’t the case. The love of money, often cited as the root of all evil, becomes evident when someone compromises their values and integrity for a high-paying career that stifles their imagination and passions. This pursuit of external success can lead to a deeper sense of inner emptiness, much like the facade we create to fit in.

That being said, I do not aim to try to disprove any particular viewpoint regarding what one does with one’s life. My purpose for writing this is solely to express my unique perspective in the hopes that it will reach the people this message is intended for and deposit seeds of hope for a better life.

My journey into the darkness has been hellish. I’ve experienced an upheaval in the last few years that has completely torn the foundation that built my identity and has forced me to face my innermost fears, including the fear of rejection, abandonment, and failure. I’ve experienced all of these many times, and every time I tried to take a step forward in a positive direction, it seemed like the Universe placed an obstacle in my path to help me learn a valuable lesson about myself or how I perceive the world.

One of the most challenging experiences I’ve had is the constant feeling of not fitting in with the group of people I thought were my friends. See, all I wanted was to experience a sense of community with fellow, like-minded peers who could see the value I bring to the table, while being receptive and accepting of who I am and my unique quirks at the same time. Unfortunately, I experienced betrayal, and I often found myself being made fun of and picked on, or even downright invalidated when I expressed my true self.

These experiences forced me to create a facade of a character. I refer to this mask as the ego. I assimilated and blended into the crowd to be accepted and liked. This led to me completely disregarding my boundaries of what I’m willing to tolerate and even replicating their behavior, especially when judging and ‘joking’ with others. In reality, I embodied the perspectives and values of the people I surrounded myself with.

Consequently, my identification with the ego created this ideal in which I felt better than others because of my gifts. I would resort to playing mind games and distorting my character to keep people wrapped around my finger. I was completely unaware of how far I’ve fallen from my true self, and I perpetuated this for several years, claiming to have changed and made a difference in my life.

For instance, I would set goals intended to bolster this self-importance, such as reading self-development books or taking leadership courses. I created a group with other peers in one of these courses, and we were set on trying to make a difference in people’s lives by creating an organization designed to develop other people according to a curriculum that we just so happened to build. When one group of people ‘lagged’ in their work ethic or overall development, I removed them and moved on to the next group I could use for my overinflated sense of self.

It wasn’t until I entered what is commonly known as the dark night of the soul that everything began to change. If you've ever felt like you're losing yourself or that your identity is crumbling under the weight of life's challenges, know that you're not alone. This journey of self-discovery can be daunting, but it's a path many of us must walk to find our true selves.

As the darkness began to close in around me, I began to experience discomfort. I suddenly realized that my closest friend was a reflection of me, and I couldn’t stand him anymore. I couldn’t stand how he looked down on people who weren’t ‘gods’ like we assumed ourselves to be. I couldn’t stand how hypocritical we were as we talked big game concerning spiritual development and yet hadn’t taken any steps in that direction. I became fed up and I ended my friendship with this person.

This was one of the easiest things to do compared to the rest of my experience. I entered a painful period of suffering that was caused by my reckless behavior. I shifted my attention inward and saw the lies and deception I fed myself continually. Everything I’ve done in the last couple of years has been based on the persona I created to fit into a group of people who are no longer in my life. All goals were egoic and completely disconnected from what I truly wanted. It was the Tower card from the major arcana of the Tarot. My foundation was demolished and my sense of identity crumbled.

However, during all this chaos, I began to catch a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. I began to reach for that light, and as I trod across the darkness, I started to reconnect to the parts of myself that were completely abandoned and forgotten. I realized that my fears of the external world reflected what I’d already done to my true self. I had rejected, abandoned, and discarded my authentic identity to fit in with people who were never meant to be in my life. At the same time, the false sense of self I created was simply a replica of how everyone else treated me, from my parents to the communities I was a part of. This epiphany was difficult and took a long time to overcome. Even to this day, I still struggle with the integration process.

Then it dawned on me. Everything that happened was meant to happen. I reached out towards the light and I embraced it with open arms. Through a slow and gradual process, I’ve discovered my true self. Granted, this is an ongoing process and I don't think I’ll ever finish the journey. This is a massive turning point in my story because it highlights the importance of darkness in our lives as we begin our journey of self-discovery.

The important thing to note here is that the darkness forces us to see the scary parts of ourselves that we unconsciously spend our waking time avoiding or escaping through distractions, pleasures, or misaligned goals/desires. The journey is uncomfortable and tumultuous, but the treasure is priceless and wholesome.

Maybe you’ve experienced the darkness yourself. Or, perhaps, you haven’t been exposed to it, but are intrigued by the idea of discovering your authentic self. Regardless of where you are in your journey, the idea remains the same. You might not be where you want to be in your life and that causes you a great deal of pain and suffering. That’s perfectly valid. Hold space for yourself and show yourself grace for where you’re at in your journey.

Everyone appraises the light and shuns the darkness. This can be seen even in a biological sense, in that humans seek pleasure and avoid pain. However, turning towards the pain can be one of the greatest acts of courage one can do, as it goes against reason to face something uncomfortable and unpleasant.

Embracing the darkness is a courageous act and it’s an ongoing journey of self-discovery. Though the path may be difficult, the treasure of uncovering your true self is worth every step. You might be feeling lost or unsure right now, questioning your path and the choices you've made. I’ve been there too, and I want you to know that it’s okay to feel this way. It’s a sign that you’re on the brink of discovering something deeper within yourself.

If any part of my journey resonates with you, I invite you to reflect on your path. If you're ready to explore these shadows together, I'm here to walk alongside you.